This article first appeared on Self.com
They say good things come in threes, but when it comes to trio friendships? That might be up for debate.
On paper, three seems like the magic number. “It’s just big enough to get the sense of community and support from a friend group, but also small enough to stay close-knit and manageable,” Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, licensed psychologist and author of Sisterhood Heals: The Transformative Power of Healing in Community, tells SELF. Realistically, you can vent about your latest relationship crisis without getting drowned out by a roomful of voices and interruptions, for instance, and coordinate in-person hangouts without the logistical headache of organizing plans for four, five, six people.
Trios also have a solid track record in pop culture. (Who among us didn’t wish to be a part of their own Rachel, Phoebe and Monica?) But the real-world verdict is a lot more mixed. In fact, they’ve earned a controversial reputation — at least on TikTok, where the general consensus is that there’s always a stronger duo in a trio, intentional or not. This isn’t just based on personal biases or experiences with clique-ish fallouts, though: There’s actually some psychology behind why these dynamics can be uniquely hard to navigate.
At a basic level, the odd number creates an inherent imbalance, Barbie Atkinson, LPC, founder of Catalyst Counseling in Houston, tells SELF. “We have a natural tendency to seek symmetry when things feel uneven,” she explains, and trios, by design, often are. Conversations, for instance, usually flow between two people: one talking, the other responding. That leaves the third person… well, awkwardly hovering.
Decision-making can follow a similar pattern — one pal suggests a trip to Miami, the second person is all in, then the third’s input becomes more of an afterthought. Even physically, just picture yourselves in a car: Two people sit in the front, one’s stuck in the backseat and staring out the window like a forgotten extra.
This might explain why groups of three can notoriously lead to exclusion, tension, and the kind of platonic breakups that convince you to swear off trios forever. But, as Atkinson also points out, “some of the strongest, most fulfilling friendships can come in threes.” The catch? “They require a lot more intentionality, trust, and vulnerability to maintain.”
So what does that look like? Here are a few key factors that can mean the difference between a lifelong support system…and a horror story you’ll be trying to forget for years to come.
What are the secrets to a successful, drama-free trio?
1. Include everyone in group decisions — even for the small stuff.
Whether it’s choosing a brunch spot or deciding where to watch The White Lotus, making sure all three voices are heard helps prevent that dreaded “pairing off” dynamic that can quickly derail a trio.
“It’s easy to assume that if one friend is on board, the majority is already settled,” Atkinson says. The problem, though, is this mindset treats the third pal more as an afterthought, which is why a simple extra step — explicitly checking in with them anyway — can make a sweet, subtle difference. If you and Friend #1 are both down to try a wine bar on Sunday, for instance, respond in the group chat with something like, “Cool! What about you, #3? Or would you rather do a different spot?”
